A Mother's Burden
by Kat56
Summary: "She had heard a muggle say once that if a ship was sinking that it was the captain's duty to go down with it." As Walburga's death draws nearer she reflects on the hardest decision she ever made.  A/N Everything you recognize is JKR's.


It was a dark day over Grimmauld Place, however even if the sun was shinning at its very brightest it would still be very dark inside Number Twelve. The house was already gloomy and dark, not aided at all by the fact that the mistress of the house had not cracked open a single window or drape in four years not since he died. Walburga Black sat alone at the dining room eating her meal in complete silence. The once luxurious room was now covered in a thick layer of dust, after Orion's death she stopped caring. His death marked the end of her world, after his death she had officially had lost everything. She ordered Kreacher to stop cleaning, and she had stopped taking care of herself. The once beautiful mistress of the home was now a mere shadow of herself. Her hair hung on her shoulder in atrocious tangles. She had dark circles around her eyes that made her look years older then she was. Her clothes made of the finest silk in the wizarding world looked like rags hanging on her body. She wasn't well mentally or physically, and she was well aware of this fact. She wanted to die, she had nothing left, and her perfect life was now lying in ruins. For the first time in her life she regretted a decision she had once made, if she hadn't made it she might still have at least something worth clinging to life for. " Don't talk such nonsense" Walburga said to herself. No matter how much she wished things had been different, as much as it hurt her she knew she had made the right choice.

She had heard a muggle say once that if a ship was sinking that it was the captain's duty to go down with it. Now Walburga never put much store in the ramblings of muggles, but this was a saying she had a slight affinity with. It resembled a belief she held strong to, if a women's family is going down, it is the mother's duty to go down with it. It was the mother's burden she was the one that carried the family on her back. It was her duty to keep them a float, no matter what the cost to her. It was only now that Walburga truly understood what the cost had been. She had made the hardest decision of her life, letting go of one son in order to protect the family from his dangerous ideas. It had been difficult, but she knew that she had only one choice. She was paying for it now though, the cost was high, and she was loosing her sanity as penance. She had sacrificed everything, and she still couldn't save her family. The tears began to roll down her cheeks as she remembered him. Her shining star, her first born, her world.

Walburga's life had been difficult her parent's had been harsh, and cruel towards her. So, it was no surprise that she had set her eyes on a man who treated her in the same way. She was young and didn't know any better she had thought all marriages were like her parent's. Orion Black was tall, dark, and handsome, but he was also cold, harsh, and indifferent. She had been beautiful, charming, and intelligent, but it would take more than that to win over Orion. In the end it had been her determination and unwillingness to give up that had attracted him to her. There relationship had been complicated she wasn't even sure how to explain it. They had loved each other, but that love stemmed from a mutual respect. A respect that neither had felt for another person in their life. They saw each other as equals, they were both fiercely independent, and set in their ways, both unwilling to bend or break not even for each other. Yes, the had loved each other. But, it was a toxic love. They fought constantly, and brought out the worst in each other.

By the time she became pregnant Walburga no longer thought she was capable of love. That was until Sirius was born, it was on that day that she realized that up until that moment she had never known what love was. As she held her tiny baby in her arms she looked up at the sky through her bedroom window and saw the dog star shining brightly. The brightest star in the sky it represented her beautiful baby boy in every way possible. She suspected all parents felt this way but she knew that this little boy would do great things. She just never imagined how great. Sirius grew up into a handsome, intelligent, independent young man. She remembered wishing that he would be all these things, but she would later regret her wish.

Her second son, Regulus was destined to live in his brother's shadow. Walburga suspected thats why she named him that. She wanted her youngest son to have something to cling on to for confidence if the name "little king" was all she could give him then so be it. She was right of course as she had been with her first son Regulus grew to be less then Sirius in everything that mattered. Regulus was slightly less handsome, slightly less clever, and incredibly less independent. Orion was often harsh with Regulus, because despite being everything a pure-blood should be he was not as strong as his brother. Orion could have cared less if it had been Regulus that defected. She had often spoiled Regulus in efforts to build his confidence.

It was Sirius that she had been harsh with, due to his independent nature he came up with dangerous ideas. At the age of five he had openly declared that he did not think that the muggle children down the road were as bad as everyone thought. Orion beat him for the first time that night, she cried for hours. His quite whimpers still haunt her dreams, defiantly he refused to cry out. Like a true Black he held firm to his opinions. For years she hoped he would give in. She lectured him, berated him, even bullied him, hoping that he would relent. However, in her heart she knew he would not. It pained her to know that her son was defecting. Pained her even more to know that deep down she agreed with him, but old habits die hard and she refused to give up her beliefs. If she did her whole world would come crashing down.

When Sirius came home from Hogwarts in his first year he brought terrible news. Not only had he been sorted into the traitor house,he also had befriended the Potter boy. It was then she realized he would never world was getting darker by the day, and Walburga knew that Sirius' ideals would not be tolerated in the new world this Dark Lord was trying to create. While Sirius lived under the Black roof his ideas would only get him killed, not only that but the rest of the family would be in danger as well. She knew what she had to do, but it would be the hardest decision she ever made. She would make him hate her. Sirius cared very little for his father, but he would not abandon her not while he still loved her. She knew he would be able to make it out on his own, he was strong, he was brave, and he was independent. Sirius did not need her. However, Regulus still did. She also knew that Orion would need her if the future went the she thought it would.

It took her four years to drive him out. The final straw had been just after she insulted his friends, he said some very offensive things to her in anger. Orion decided that he should be whipped for his insolence, he put Sirius in a full body bind and summoned a whip. She then stepped in asking her husband if she could be the one to give him the punishment. It was the first time she had ever physically harmed her son, and with each crack of the whip she became sicker and sicker with herself. But, in true Black fashion she remained stone faced through the whole ordeal. That night he ran away, she sat in her room and cried. Half in relief, and half in disgust with herself. A year later she saw the Potter woman picking up her son James, and Sirius from King's Cross. She saw the way he looked at her, with such love, the way he used to look at her. She had never truly hated someone until that day.

Walburga did not know why today brought up so many painful memories. She supposed that this is what happened when someone was nearing the end. Without her husband or her sons she had nothing to live for. Her mind was going as well, weighed down with the burden she carried. Her husband and youngest son dead. The latter affecting her more then the former. No mother could ever stand out living her child it just wasn't natural. Sirius was alive but not well. Stuck in Azkaban for a crime he did not commit. Oh yes she knew he was innocent a mother knows her son, nothing would have ever been tempting enough for Sirius to betray James. Once Sirius got something in his mind there was no way of getting it out. He was a Black through and through, stubborn and consumed by his beliefs. It amazed her to this day how well she had measured up her son when he was only a baby. Sirius the brightest star in the sky, he had always been her brightest star.

Walburga slowly got up from her dining room table and walked into the tapestry room. She ran her fingers over the small burn mark where her eldest son should have been. She burned him off the tapestry the moment he walked out the door, a reminder to herself that he was no longer hers. As much a punishment for herself as it was a ruse to keep the death eaters at bay. She wished things had been different, she wished she had been able to love her eldest son in the ways he had so desperately needed. It hurt her the way she had treated him. She had once been told that mother's had the heaviest burden to bear, she supposed this was true. Her conscience weighs her down, it eats away at her very soul. But, she knows that if she had to do it all over again she would do it in heart beat. Walburga would do anything for her family and if that meant sacrificing her own soul for the sanity of her own family so be it. There destinies had been black from the very beginning, but Sirius still had a chance. If anyone could do it he could. Maybe one day his name would be cleared. Sirius still had a chance, and her actions no matter how painful they may have been had given him that. At this thought Walburga smiled as she turned around and left the room.

The next day Kreacher found his mistress lying in bed a mere ghost of her former-self. The once proud mistress of the house was no more. Her fractured soul had finally fell apart and all that was left was a broken woman who could no longer bring herself to fight. Haunted by her past decisions and the voices of every hurtful thing she had ever said about anyone. Walburga died a lonely old women with nothing left, except the small comfort that she had protected her family the only way she knew how.


End file.
